The Intrigue of Isolation

"The Intrigue of Isolation"

I was so used to keeping my head down and looking only one way

I was so used to living in isolation, letting things just come, as moulin rouge declared, “as they may”

I used to count the cracks on the floor

And look at the materialistic stores until I got to flat

24

I wore my headphones

So that I didn’t have to engage with the world

In an auditory way

I didn’t have anything of value to discuss with those rich folks at the expensive, local street-side cafés

I’d listen to scandalous music, often Lana del Rey,

But my quiet demeanor was evidence that it never really altered the way I externally behaved

And so, when I caught you staring at me

When I was in the middle of a song,

Turned right at the right direction at the right time,

I wasn’t looking for anything.

It was just a happy accident; I blushed

Maybe you couldn’t really see the red, just the stupid smile

Because you were still kind of far away

Then I realized that this is a big place

I didn’t know if you meant it for me specifically

And so, I kept walking on the street without planning on stopping

But you said “hey”

In a way that my music couldn’t drown out

It was so loud and intrusive that I flailed as I entered the world of realism you were in

It took me a second to pause the song’s sad melancholy

It was actually quite rude, if anyone else were to bear witness and have to judge objectively

You not only got up to meet me at my standing level

But offered me a seat

I realized that even gorgeous people from afar look, up close, even more pretty

It’s the aspect of closeness, where I can see every inch of your face

And not have to resort to drawing characteristics of you in my head when my vision is blurry and pictures a far distance away seem to fade

You asked me who I was in an almost disbelieving way--

Like you never saw someone like me before

While we discussed, I wonder what made you drawn to me

Was it the way I spent an hour putting on my make-up and my dress

Or was it the way I walked in a diagonal trajectory while I assumed a face that made you think I thought introspectively

I think you saw that I was still kind of shaken up

And so you stopped your conversationalist train of thought

And, with an unexpected shift, told me that I looked lonely

***

And that was the water shed moment, the turning point,

Where I realized I was this little lost girl and you were a man, not some disguised hopeless, lovesick boy

You weren’t romantically interested in me in any way;

You were just a kind man who could guess I was from somewhere else and all alone in this foreign place

I never would have guessed that when I attempted to market my isolation as potential intrigue,

It would, instead, just wind up inviting pity

And so, I couldn’t help but get up and leave

And so, the other mornings,

I listened to Taylor Swift

And, therefore, wasn’t tempted by anything other than her fragile innocence

I turned the sound up three decibels so that there

Would be no assertive “hey” loud enough to interrupt

Me who is always so whimsically unprepared

Every time I walked past that café’s chair,

It was hard for me, but I was ultimate glad that it was there

It made me feel validated in the choices I was making;

It was a good reminder

To never again expect anything else from anyone

It was the acknowledgement that never allowing yourself to fall

Rids you of any opportunity to get heartbroken by the most gorgeous man you thought you might have the slightest potential to finally love